


Stuck Trying to Fix the Nonsense That's in My Head

by itsOzzie



Category: The Prom (2020), The Prom - Sklar/Beguelin/Martin
Genre: F/F, Nonbinary!Emma Nolan, This is my AO3 and I do what I want
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-29
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-15 02:40:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29056842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsOzzie/pseuds/itsOzzie
Summary: Emma has never felt quite right saying she's a girl.
Relationships: Alyssa Greene/Emma Nolan
Comments: 5
Kudos: 29





	1. Emma(?)

**Author's Note:**

> You're not allowed to get mad at me for making Emma suffer for a very brief period because I was very dysphoric tonight and I needed a quick outlet, and also it's based loosely on things that just happened. Good thing that outlet means 2 short additional chapters of fluff! 
> 
> Title from Life's A Bit by Noah Finnce because blasting that's an excellent coping mechanism too!
> 
> *This is specifically a headcanon I have about Movie Emma, but feel free to interpret it how you want!

Emma Nolan didn’t like showering with the door shut. She came from a very Irish and Scottish family, and with that came the superstitions. Her mother used to say that _having the door shut while you shower lets demons sneak up on you since you think you’re safe with the door shut._ Emma wasn’t really sure how much of this came from actual tradition as opposed to horror movies, but she followed the advice anyway. Most of the time.

Today, she kind of felt like shit. She was on her period. She tried to convince herself that was it. She was bloated and the beginnings of cramps were stinging her abdomen. That on its own would get any woman insecure, but that created another problem. This awful voice in the back of her head nagged her.

_You look like a woman._

_Girl._

_Girl._

_Piece of shit_ **_female._**

That shouldn’t be bad. That shouldn’t make her want to throw up. Still, the thought lingered back through years of her life. What if she wasn’t a girl? At first, she thought that hadn’t been possible, because she definitely wasn’t a boy, and she didn’t know about being trans or nonbinary was until she was twelve anyway. Even then, she couldn't be that. She would be the target of a thousand times more harassment. It would confuse her grandmother. She'd have no chance at getting her parents back and she'd be disowned a second time with nowhere to go. And Alyssa--Alyssa would leave her. She probably didn't know what it meant, let alone understand why Emma felt a squirm of discomfort whenever she got called beautiful, like she didn't know why the compliment was hers to hold.

But she wasn't gay in Indiana anymore.

And here she stood, naked and starting to feel more and more like her breasts were simply malformed blobs on her chest. Cancerous in a metaphorical way. A way that poisoned her mind. She used to wish all the time that she got actual cancer to make them go away, and it was this thought that she became obsessed with again in that shower.With every moment her body felt less and less like hers and suddenly she couldn't breathe. There were probably tears on her cheeks but she couldn't distinguish between them and the shower water. She turned up the heat, begging for a distraction from it all, but it only burned her skin and she yelped, pulling away from it and banging against the wall so hard that her side hurt. She tried to stand but her legs didn't want to cooperate and she fell again, not knowing how long she stayed there.

“Are you okay, Em? You've been in there forever and the door’s shut,” Alyssa's voice cut in.

Emma whimpered, unable to tell what she said. Alyssa didn't take this as a good sign and pulled the door open slowly.

“Can I open the curtain?” Alyssa whispered cautiously when she realized the state Emma was in.

Instead of replying yes or no, Emma crossed her arms over her chest, cringed at the motion beneath her arms, and asked for help.

Alyssa was careful about this too, reaching a hand to the water spigot.

“Christ, this is burning! Did you get hurt?”

When Emma cannot muster a reply, Alyssa remains in action. She pushed the faucet to a stop and helped Emma to stand, not caring about the pool of blood in the corner of the shower. Emma's legs shook violently beneath her and she had very little control over her lower half. This happened when she was having a panic attack; her legs gave out. But she'd never experienced this on a soaking wet floor. It took a while, but Alyssa, and Emma holding on for dear life, eventually got back to their bedroom, where Emma fumbled to grab pajamas before collapsing on the bed, still shaky and covered in red splotches from the shower.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Alyssa looked away from Emma as she got dressed, knowing that she was usually uncomfortable being seen naked, even by her girlfriend of two years.

Emma looked down at the floor. That's what it looked like to Alyssa, anyway.

“Not yet. Maybe someday.”

Emma might not be gay in Indiana anymore, but shit, being nonbinary in New York felt like its own battle. One she wasn't sure she was ready for.


	2. Alyssa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alyssa's not dumb. She knew her girlfriend better than anyone, and she was not acting like herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I changed the title. Twice. Because I made a typo the first time.

Emma stumbled back into the apartment, home late again. Alyssa looked up from the pot of pasta she had just poured, about to start boiling it when the door burst open.

"Where have you been? I was worried sick, you know that storm's coming tonight."

Emma avoided looking Alyssa in the eye. "I was just out with some friends from my music class."

Alyssa paused, the silence stretched. "And you didn't tell me? ...I feel like you've been avoiding me."

Emma looked taken aback. "I'm sorry--I've just... had stuff on my mind."

"You used to tell me these things before disappearing all day," Alyssa muttered. She didn't sound mad, only disappointed. "I don't want to lose you. It's been months of feeling like we're drifting apart.

Suddenly Emma surged forward and wrapped Alyssa in a gentle hug. "I know. I know, I know. I'm really sorry. I can't imagine life without you, it's just...I've been so scared, Alyssa. I've been terrified of losing you. I thought it'd hurt less if I did it myself but I guess I was wrong," she murmured into Alyssa's chest. Alyssa felt a tear land on her from Emma's cheek.

She squeezed Emma's hand and started swaying her a little, taking them both back to prom. Prom, where, the moment Alyssa saw Emma in a suit, she instinctually called her handsome. She'd never felt so happy, so understood, in all her life. "Why would I stop loving you?"

Without thinking, Emma blurted it out. "I'm not a girl."

Alyssa didn't stop moving. _She didn't stop wanting to dance with her, even through all of this._ "Okay."

"I want to experiment with she/they pronouns. And I think I want to try the name Emory? I know it's close to Emma, but--"

Alyssa cut them off. "It's okay, you're fine. I'm never gonna judge you on something as personal as this. I could never stop loving you over a different name."

"I don't know why I was so scared," Emory admitted. She was smiling now, for what might as well have been the first time since prom, but tears still cascaded down their face.

"Didn't exactly go well the first time, did it?"

They hummed in acknowledgment. Alyssa held on to her and suddenly they were slow dancing around the kitchen to a melody that didn't exist. Alyssa laughed at the spectacle of simplicity.

"I'm surprised you didn't pick something more chaotic for a name."

"Sock," Emory said, laughing at the idea of calling herself that. "Bee, Arson."

Alyssa's pretty sure they were just spouting random nouns by the time they got to Dice and Pebble. Even then, she knew she'd call them that if it meant seeing them this happy again.

"For real, though, I'm thinking about the middle name River."

"Emory River Nolan-Greene," Alyssa's said into the silent air, static with fresh, tender love and a passion only meant for this kind of intimacy, mostly to see her reaction to it. As expected, they light up. "I like it."

"Greene sold me on it," they commented. Their cheeks were red. "...Are you asking me to marry you? We're not done with college yet."

"I promise you it will happen someday. I can't picture who I'd be without you."

"The moment we graduate?"

Alyssa beamed. "What should I call you for now?"

"Partner?" Emory suggested.

"Too...yeehaw, formal."

They ignored how those descriptors were polar opposites of each other.

"Joyfriend?"

Alyssa smiled at the term. So did Emory. The gentle bliss wasn't cut by more words.

"I love you."

"I'm so happy for you."

Dinner long forgotten, they danced around the kitchen until both of their feet ached, at which point they collapsed on the couch, instantly startled by a clap of thunder.

"I'm glad you're not out there, scared and soaking wet in the rain. I'm glad you came home to me. I'll do my best to be your home forever."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I said, short. Self-indulgent. Cute as fuck.


	3. Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alyssa proposes, and Emory has never been happier. The actors they call family, however, are less than thrilled by how it happened.

The proposal itself was simple. Emory and Alyssa ditched the graduation party when they realized it was likely to keep going until the crack of dawn. If Emory was falling asleep in the taxi at one in the morning, why should either of them stay until half-past four?

"Babe, we're home."

Emory pulled their eyes open and Alyssa wondered how her joyfriend could possibly fall asleep leaning against a car window. Rubbing the sleep from her eyes, she stumbled out of the car and into Alyssa's arms. There was something so simple, so pure, about the motion. They walked back to the apartment, Emory holding Alyssa's hand and rubbing circles in her palm. When they got inside, Emory collapsed on the couch.

"You can head to bed if you're tired."

"Don't wanna move," they mumbled.

Alyssa smiled and rolled her eyes lovingly. "Alright, fine...I'll be right back."

A few seconds later she returned with a blanket and two pints of ice cream and sat down next to Emory.

They grinned, unable to do much else since she was so heavy with tiredness. "God, I love you."

"I love you too."

They both got under the blanket and tangled themselves into each other, eating their ice cream in a silent haze before Alyssa spoke again, mouth still half-full. "Do you remember what I told you when you came out?"

Emory swallowed and gave a quiet hum because she could never forget that day. "That you want to marry me?"

"That hasn't changed."

It's then that they realized there were tears in Alyssa's eyes.

"And we made it to graduation, so...what do you say about that now?"

They looked down slightly and there was a ring box in Alyssa's hands.

"Of course I'll marry you."

It fit perfectly on Emory's finger. 

* * *

The next Saturday, they walked into the Applebees in Times Square to find that their Broadway friends were already waiting for them in a booth. Immediately, Barry noticed something. They got through greetings and immediately he changed topics.

"Em, is that an engagement ring?"

She grinned. "Wow, you're quick.

"What?!" Dee Dee exclaimed, and immediately the group was clamored around their hand.

"It's a beautiful ring," Angie mused, but she was cut off by other questions.

"For how long? Who else knows?"

"Tell us the story!"

"Why didn't I see this on your Instant-gram?"

"Instagram, Trent."

Emory looked overwhelmed by this onslaught, so Alyssa took over for them.

"Since graduation. I figured they wanted a more private proposal so we didn't take any pictures. It's a kinda boring story, really. I knew they'd say yes so I just kinda...gave them the ring? We haven't exactly told anyone."

"Oh my God, you're kidding," Barry said, eyes wide.

"No?"

Suddenly Emory's phone lit up with a text from her Gran. **Angie tells me you're engaged?**

Alyssa's phone followed suit with a text from her mother, followed immediately by a question. **You and Emory are getting married? Do I call them the bride or groom? Or something else?**

Mrs. Greene accepting their gender identity was the last thing they or Alyssa expected. By the time they came out to Mrs. Greene about gender, Alyssa had been out for 2 years. They expected the explanation of it to take hours and that Mrs. Greene would take a long time to call her Emory; perhaps never even calling her by they/them pronouns. But it was the exact opposite. Her response was, _Oh, yeah, I've heard of that. I'll do my best._ Oddly, it was the actors who had a tendency to struggle the most. But for now, regardless of that, the world felt perfect.

**Yeah**

**Well figure it out**

**We always have**

**Author's Note:**

> I'm doing this quick thing on top of random inspiration for Ace!Emma and also an unplanned, chaotic chapter of Swim AU. My school semester just ended so neither of the two main projects will be a quick publish. Sorry about that and thanks for reading.


End file.
